Sep 26, 2013

Bring on the Zonies

After that 56-0 snoozer / beatdown / penalty-fest against the Bengals of Idaho State, the Dawgs are back in action on Saturday with the opportunity to make a statement in their Pac-12 opener. UW welcomes the Zonies to Montlake hoping for some payback after last year's Disaster in the Desert.

Eesh, that's unfortunate.

Arizona... yuck. I could go off on what a terrible state it is (the Florida of the west) but I'll save that for next month when the Huskies travel to that crystal meth-shard of a town called Tempe. 

This Wildcat team is all about Ka'Deem Carey. Clearly, he's the real deal - he led the nation with nearly 2,000 rushing yards last year, piled up 24 touchdowns, and is averaging 145.5 yards a game this year.

Ka'Deem Carey: Star Running Back

Carey is a prolific runner on the field and a prolific asshole off of it. He faced domestic violence charges in January after trying to force his way into his pregnant ex-girlfriend's house "to get a lighter to smoke drugs"which resulted in him slamming the door on his baby mama's hand.

A few weeks later, Ka'Deem went all Reese Witherspoon and pulled the "Don't you know how I am?" move after he sat in someone else's seat at a Arizona basketball game. Here's the full quote:
According to the report, when the officer asked the men for their tickets, Carey said, "Get the (expletive) out of my face! Don't you know who I am? I am an All-American."
Ka'Deem Carey: Shitty Human

Carey sat out the first game of the season for his transgressions, but will definitely be the focal point of the Wildcat offense on Saturday. Arizona has rushed for 325 yards per game against their three patsy opponents (Northern Arizona, UNLV, and UT-San Antonio), but they've only thrown for 108.7 which puts them at 120th in the FBS.

Arizona's quarterback is B.J. Denker, a former JC transfer who is a 5th year player, but a first-time starter for the Wildcats. So far this year he's been much more dangerous running (224 yards, 5 TDs) than passing (56% completion, 326 yards).

According to the Arizona Star Daily, Denker isn't worried about playing in Husky Stadium, "I like to silence the crowd." Yeah, okay. I'm sure this guy has played in similar atmospheres as HS will be on Saturday with 71,000 fans screaming their heads off. Oh wait, no he hasn't. Not even a little bit. This will be a tad different than the 27k that showed up at UNLV or the raucous crowds he faced while playing for Cerritos Junior College.

Let's see how you handle Husky Stadium, poor man's Ryan Gosling.

Ultimately, I think the Huskies have too much talent on both sides of the ball to get tripped up by this crop of Zonies. UW's defense will have to limit the Wildcat's potent rushing attack and force Denker to beat them through the air, which I just don't think he's capable of doing.

Throw in a pretty massive home field advantage and it's clear why Vegas sees UW as a 10-point favorite. As long as UW doesn't kill themselves with penalties and turnovers, this should be a pretty comfortable win. I'm going with UW 38-24.

I do want to warn the Husky players about Arizona's fans though. There may be a few at the game and they've been known to spill onto the field and get a bit handsy.

They're on the prowl and they're very mediocre looking.

Go Dawgs!

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Sep 20, 2013

Cupcake Special!

After a convincing, albeit nerve-racking 34-24 win over the Illini last weekend, the Dawgs return home for their annual FCS cupcake game - this time against the Bengals of Idaho State. Obviously not all FCS games are a walk in the park - the Eastern Washington game in 2011 nearly resulted in a pants-shitting incident (both for UW collectively and for myself) but let's be clear: Idaho State is no Eastern Washington.

While the Bengals do appear to be improved this year (currently 2-0), the squad went 1-10 last year and is 5-40 since 2008. Last September, they played at Nebraska and lost 73-7. ISU is coached by Mike Kramer, a former Wazzu assistant and a guy who looks like he'd absolutely lose his shit if you didn't re-rack your weights at the gym.

"Whose fucking dumbbell is this?!!!"

ISU runs an uptempo passing attack offense that is averaging 434 yards through the air... against Dixie St. and Western St. (if anyone knows the states where those schools are located, you win a hearty handshake. And no Googling). Oh, and did I mention that ISU is coached by Mike Kramer, a former head coach of Stadium High School and the first cousin of Verne Troyer?

"Ha ha ha, we're both bald and white. Fuck you, TDD."

This game gives UW a chance to rest their starters a bit and get some experience for the younger guys. I expect backup QB Cyler Miles to play a lot and for our boy Deontae Cooper to get his first collegiate touchdown. Dwayne Washington should bounce back and have a great game after his bout of fumblitis against Illinois. The Huskies will score A LOT. This highlight package from last week should be the 1st quarter against ISU (minus that bad guys scoring obviously):

There isn't a ton out there about Idaho State... they do run out of a giant, inflatable tiger head at home games though, so you know, there's that.

What are some of the "Hot Alternatives" in the blow-up football entrance tunnel industry, you ask?




Hot Alternative Balloon Co: The most trusted name in crazy-ass blow-up football entrance tunnels. Not gonna lie though, I'd kill to have any of those (HABC, hook a dude up!)

Anyway, UW opened as a 53-point favorite against Idaho State which is pretty nucking futs. I don't remember a point spread being that big for a Husky game in a long, long time. So the question is:

Will UW cover the spread vs. ISU? free polls 

In a game like this, the main goals are for UW to get win and to not have any injuries. Hopefully ISU doesn't have any injuries either - they lost two key players for the season against Nebraska last year so here's hoping they have better luck with the injury bug tomorrow.

In other news, I'm on the lookout for writers who'd like to put their content on the site. If you're a Husky fan and a sarcastic asshole, this could be the perfect gig for you! Anything from one-liners to longer posts to Photoshop stuff would be considered. Just send an email to if you're interested.

Oh, and the prediction is UW 59-7. Go Dawgs!

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Sep 12, 2013

UW Storms the Windy City

After that delicious 38-6 choke-slam of an opener, this prolonged wait until the next Husky game has been particularly brutal. It's like a kid getting his first taste of ice cream only to have it rudely snatched away from him. Or like a dog and a bacon treat. Or like my 3rd cousin Saul and heroin. Anyway, you get the point.

But finally the wait is over as the Dawgs travel into the heart of the midwest on Saturday to take on the Fighting Illini at Chicago's Soldier Field. It would be disrespectful to mention the hallowed ground of the Chicago Bears without tipping the cap to the Great One:

Who'd you expect? Butkus?

After Illinois went 2-10 last year and just slipped by Southern Illinois of the FCS in their opener, it appeared UW would roll right through Chicago on their way to an easy win. That changed a bit when Illinois stepped up and punched Cincinnati in the mouth in a 45-17 blowout last weekend. Nathan Scheelhaase, Illinois' four-year starter at quarterback, is playing the best football of his career and has already exceeded the number of touchdown passes he threw last year. Here he is in mid-sentence:

"Blah blah blah, my name is hard to pronounce."

Even though a new offensive coordinator has injected life into Illinois' offense, I still expect the Huskies to dominate using their superior talent on both sides of the ball. It's not quite the cakewalk it appeared to be, but the Dawgs should force the Illini faithful to spend most of the game looking like this:

Now I could be wrong, but I'm just not 100% convinced the guy on the right is a chief. Furthermore, I have my doubts about this guy as well:

"Whatever dude, this definitely is a good idea."

Though I do have to admit I was impressed with this Illinois crew's look:

You know one of their parents got the credit card bill and was like, "You spent $247 bucks on lycra?!! What the fuck, Aiden?!!" Pshh, parents... they just don't understand... about the importance of showcasing your orange-wrapped moose knuckle on television.

Now before I start getting hate mail about posting a plum-smuggling pic, here are some other Illini photos to help balance it out:

Now I'm going to take some heat from the female readership. To be fair, that last shot is pretty porn-y and quite frankly, I'm less than thrilled with her grip technique (get on the laces! c'mon!)

Onto the Bold Prediction for the week. Keith Price throws darts all over the field. Whether it's hitting Kasen on deep routes, Mickens/Ross in the flat, or ASJ over the middle, KP just can't miss. He ends up with 332 yards and 6 touchdowns. After the game, the mayor of Chicago presents him with a key to the city and Bears QB Jay Cutler asks him for advice on how to play quarterback as well as how not to be a douchebag.

This is how Jay Cutler walks. 24/7.

SIDE BAR: What's your preferred "fuck you" technique? The thumb-out version, like Jay is rocking above, is very comfortable, but in my humble opinion, distracts a bit from the "fuck you" message as that thumb just dangles out to the side like a lost child. Thumb-in might not feel as natural, but I think it does a better job in really getting that "fuck you" point across. Here is Mister Rogers demonstrating the double thumb-in varietal:

"Get the FUCK out of my neighborhood."

There's also the passive aggressive sneak attack "fuck you" that is much less common than the other two, but can be perfect for scenarios that call for a more subtle fuck you-ing. Here is the Leader of the Free World modeling that style:

"Hey Putin, I got something for ya."

Back to the game. ASJ is simply unstoppable posting up on smaller linebackers and safeties. After being abused by ASJ for 183 yards and 3 touchdowns through three quarters, the humiliated Illini defenders refuse to take the field if Seferian-Jenkins continues to play. After Illinois head coach Tim Beckman threatens to "take the ball and go home,"ASJ cites the scoreboard (56-3) and politely excuses himself from the game. Not long after, Mike Ditka calls him his "personal hero."

Anyway, the Huskies win 63-3.

Oh, and here's a reader-submitted photo of a Dawg Dude named Desmond rocking a pair of TDD shades:

Go Dawgs!

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Sep 3, 2013

Boise State Beatdown

So that was fun. Thumping Boise State by 32 points and handing them their worst loss in eight years isn't a bad way to get revenge on those over-achieving potato-munchers. In 93 games under head coach Chris Petersen, BSU had never been dominated like this. Not even close. The previous worst loss of the Petersen era was the 24-10 victory at UW that Ty Willy somehow managed in 2007. And the last time Boise failed to scored a touchdown was way back in '97.

Frankly, BSU fans have gotten all kinds of spoiled feasting on the Mountain West's cupcake schedule while be remarkable successful in their 2-3 difficult games each year. This clown-stomping gives Boise a sneak peak of what life would be like playing in the Pac-12 week in and week out (See: Utes, Utah). Who knows how BSU fans are coping with this thrashing, but then again, who cares.

MISSING: Last seen sobbing outside Kidd Valley on 25th Ave.

What a sweet way for Husky Nation to christen the gorgeous new stadium and inject excitement into a program that has been struggling to take that next step. Yes, it's just one game and we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but UW definitely made a statement on Saturday night. Dropping 592 yards while allowing 6 points to a Chris Petersen team just doesn't happen. It's not hard to imagine this new fast-paced, quick-hitting offense having success against Stanford and this deep, well-conditioned defense limiting Nike U's offense. Oh, and now the best tight end in the country rejoins the team.

Here is a sweet BSU game highlight video by the always awesome qbsacker5394:

It's great to be a Husky! Go Dawgs!

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