"Ah dang, I think I left the barbecue on in my trailer."
Unfortunately, once every two years, Husky Stadium relaxes its standards on meth face and allows duck fans to enter our hallowed college football venue. Yes, the stench is awful. Yes, they were born in a barn. And yes, it's frustrating that these fans pee in bottles instead of going to the restroom. But in some ways it's like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, giving these inbred yokels the opportunity to attend a college football game in a legitimate city in the most beautiful setting in the country. After all, Eugene is basically a strip mall full of destitute harmonica players that gets over-run with drunken duck-loving tweekers on Saturdays. Take a look:
Son, Cheetos and Natty Light is not a balanced breakfast.
Enjoy Seattle, duck fans, but keep your urine bottles to yourselves. Hopefully the visit doesn't push you into a darker depression when you return to your hovels south of the border. Actually, I don't care.
For efficiency sake, let's just run down the list of things I hate about Oregon:
I hate that duck fans refuse to accept that without Uncle Phil, Oregon becomes Oregon State:
I do like that Friar Tuck haircut though.
I hate that Chip Kelly smirks so much that half of his face must be paralyzed:
Chippy: the garden gnome somebody forgot to take to the dump.
I hate the vagina hands gesture:
I get it, it's huge.
I hate that Oregon has been paying people to steer recruits to the university:
And I hate that their fans refuse to acknowledge how obvious this is.
I hate this facial expression:
Is the mouth vagina symbol Oregon's Next Big Thing?
Along with everyone else, I hate their array of visually-revolting uniforms:
To be fair, that Tron dude's forty-yard dash is 0.4 in his Light Cycle.
Their real uniforms are so hideous that we don't even need to make jokes:
Why, Nike? What did I ever do to you?
And now other teams are trying to top the ducks by coming up with the ugliest uniforms they can imagine. How else can you explain this:
It's like Batman's Two-Face, but both sides are ugly as shit.
What did you start Nike? Where does it end?
Oh my god. That's where it ends.
But most of all, it's the obnoxious and entitled attitudes of Oregon's fans that creates such distaste towards their program. You'd expect fans of a team that has been awful for the majority of its history to have some humility. After all, this is a program that went to three bowl games from 1920 to 1993. UW won a Rose Bowl in 2001, let's take a look at a few things that have happen since the ducks last won a Rose Bowl:
World War I ended.
Bubonic Plague in India.
First commercial radio broadcast aired.
Women granted the right to vote.
Tomb of King Tut was discovered.
The first talking movie was produced.
Bubble gum was invented.
Sliced bread was invented.
Car radio was invented.
Pluto was discovered.
U.S. officially got a national anthem.
Cheeseburger was created.
Golden Gate Bridge opened.
China became communist.
So not much really.
It sounds like quarterback Darron Thomas will start and LaMichael James will get a heavier workload than he did last week against Wazzu. Cliff Harris is highly questionable after getting cited for driving with a suspended license. Again. At least he didn't have weed smoke steaming from his car this time. Now that he doesn't have to worry about a NFL future, maybe Cliff can grab a marijuana-related endorsement deal:
Cliff Spliffs: Smoke it all!
It's also unclear whether Elton John will make his duck debut this week:
(Insert tight end joke here)
It has been confirmed that Donald Duck won't be making the trip because someone finally put him out of his misery a few weeks ago:
That's what you get for wearing a Chip Kelly bullseye.
Ultimately, this game will come down to how well the Husky defense can rotate players and maintain their gaps. If UW can't keep guys fresh and stay disciplined in keeping Oregon from repeatedly getting to the edge, it could be a long game. This is the perfect opportunity for Big Daddy Ta'amu to collapse the middle and disrupt Oregon's speed running game.
The Husky offense will have to extend drives and keep the defense off the field. Most likely, Washington will have to win the turnover battle to pull off the upset, so Keith Price needs to be extra careful with the ball. I do expect UW's balanced attack to put up points, but can they score more than the duck offense? I think they can. Washington plays their most complete game of the season and defeats Oregon 41-38.
Finally, let's see how Coach Sark feels about Oregon (notice the duck hat that comes in on the left):
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