Nov 3, 2011

Get to know THE D'Bag: Oregon ducks

Clearly, the UW/Oregon rivalry is built on the hatred between the two fanbases.  45% of Seattle Times readers picked Oregon fans as the most obnoxious in America, the overwhelming leader followed by Yankee fans at 24%.  Seattle Times readers are not alone as Oregon led the conference for rudest fans with more than twice as many votes as the next fanbase (USC) in a Sports Illustrated poll.  Oregon managed to spread its terrible reputation to a national level with their behavior against Auburn last season.  They hate us, we hate them, so let's do this.

"Ah dang, I think I left the barbecue on in my trailer."

Unfortunately, once every two years, Husky Stadium relaxes its standards on meth face and allows duck fans to enter our hallowed college football venue.  Yes, the stench is awful.  Yes, they were born in a barn.  And yes, it's frustrating that these fans pee in bottles instead of going to the restroom.  But in some ways it's like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, giving these inbred yokels the opportunity to attend a college football game in a legitimate city in the most beautiful setting in the country.  After all, Eugene is basically a strip mall full of destitute harmonica players that gets over-run with drunken duck-loving tweekers on Saturdays.  Take a look:

Son, Cheetos and Natty Light is not a balanced breakfast.

Enjoy Seattle, duck fans, but keep your urine bottles to yourselves.  Hopefully the visit doesn't push you into a darker depression when you return to your hovels south of the border.  Actually, I don't care.

For efficiency sake, let's just run down the list of things I hate about Oregon:

I hate that duck fans refuse to accept that without Uncle Phil, Oregon becomes Oregon State:

I do like that Friar Tuck haircut though.

I hate that Chip Kelly smirks so much that half of his face must be paralyzed:

 Chippy: the garden gnome somebody forgot to take to the dump.

I hate the vagina hands gesture:

I get it, it's huge.

I hate that Oregon has been paying people to steer recruits to the university:

And I hate that their fans refuse to acknowledge how obvious this is.

I hate this facial expression:

Is the mouth vagina symbol Oregon's Next Big Thing?

Along with everyone else, I hate their array of visually-revolting uniforms:

To be fair, that Tron dude's forty-yard dash is 0.4 in his Light Cycle.

Their real uniforms are so hideous that we don't even need to make jokes:

Why, Nike? What did I ever do to you?

And now other teams are trying to top the ducks by coming up with the ugliest uniforms they can imagine.  How else can you explain this:

It's like Batman's Two-Face, but both sides are ugly as shit.

What did you start Nike?  Where does it end?

Oh my god.  That's where it ends.

But most of all, it's the obnoxious and entitled attitudes of Oregon's fans that creates such distaste towards their program.  You'd expect fans of a team that has been awful for the majority of its history to have some humility.  After all, this is a program that went to three bowl games from 1920 to 1993.  UW won a Rose Bowl in 2001, let's take a look at a few things that have happen since the ducks last won a Rose Bowl:

World War I ended.
Bubonic Plague in India.
First commercial radio broadcast aired.
Prohibition began.
Women granted the right to vote.
Tomb of King Tut was discovered.
The first talking movie was produced.
Bubble gum was invented.
Sliced bread was invented.
Car radio was invented.
Pluto was discovered.
U.S. officially got a national anthem.
Prohibition ended.
Cheeseburger was created.
Golden Gate Bridge opened.
China became communist.

So not much really.

Now to the game on Saturday.  Oregon is favored by 16.5, which isn't shocking considering the result the last time Washington played a top tier Pac-12 team.  I don't remember any college football pundits picking UW against Stanford, but a fair amount are predicting an upset this week.

It sounds like quarterback Darron Thomas will start and LaMichael James will get a heavier workload than he did last week against Wazzu.  Cliff Harris is highly questionable after getting cited for driving with a suspended license.  Again.  At least he didn't have weed smoke steaming from his car this time.  Now that he doesn't have to worry about a NFL future, maybe Cliff can grab a marijuana-related endorsement deal:

Cliff Spliffs: Smoke it all!

It's also unclear whether Elton John will make his duck debut this week:

(Insert tight end joke here)

It has been confirmed that Donald Duck won't be making the trip because someone finally put him out of his misery a few weeks ago:

That's what you get for wearing a Chip Kelly bullseye.

Ultimately, this game will come down to how well the Husky defense can rotate players and maintain their gaps.  If UW can't keep guys fresh and stay disciplined in keeping Oregon from repeatedly getting to the edge, it could be a long game.  This is the perfect opportunity for Big Daddy Ta'amu to collapse the middle and disrupt Oregon's speed running game.

The Husky offense will have to extend drives and keep the defense off the field.  Most likely, Washington will have to win the turnover battle to pull off the upset, so Keith Price needs to be extra careful with the ball.  I do expect UW's balanced attack to put up points, but can they score more than the duck offense?  I think they can.  Washington plays their most complete game of the season and defeats Oregon 41-38.

Finally, let's see how Coach Sark feels about Oregon (notice the duck hat that comes in on the left):

UPDATE: Drinking beer for a good cause! 

Play flip cup with Husky Legends (Mario Bailey, Cam Cleeland, Shane Pahukoa, and others) and raise money for a children's play center at the UW Medicine Regional Burn Center. Also duck roasting, Husky autographs, and all the other good things in life.  The festivities start up at noon in the RV section of the E1 parking lot.  You shouldn't have a problem finding it as the RV looks like this:

Go Dawgs!
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Anonymous said...

Yes, Oregon fans can be obnoxious — just like Washington fans were in the '90s. It' just what happens when football programs achieve success. Your points of fans being rude, players getting arrested and unfair recruiting tactics are irrelevant, as Washington did all of that and more 10 years ago.

Don't believe me? There's a whole book written about it:

Anonymous said...

Took Washington 5 games to break the top 25, and 1 loss to drop right out. Oregon didn't drop out of the top 15 after losing to LSU. Shows how much respect your "historic" team has amongst the country. Can't wait to go up to Seattle and watch us garner up 600 total yards of O on you. Go Ducks!

Big Wil said...

Did you mention the pride they take in their gaping vaginas? Oh, well played. Can't wait to put them back in their place on Saturday. GO DAWGS!!!

cOXswain said...

Love that the Duck fans are too ashamed to use a name of any sort. Pretty easy to talk shit when you're nameless. Go "pull a Chip" and shove a bag full of cocks down your bills. Oh, and call me if you win a Rose Bowl without leather helmets.

TheDawgDude said...

Anonymous (if that's even your real name), I'm still looking for the part in "Scoreboard, Baby" that discusses how UW's football program benefited greatly from underpaid child workers in developing countries - what page is that on?

Can you refer me to surveys and polls where Washington tops the list as the worst fanbase? When did UW crap out a slew of viscerally ugly uniform combos?

Clearly you still can't wrap your mind around why the rest of the college football world hates you, so why don't you reread the post, as well as this one:

Anonymous #2: This college football thing is new to you, huh?

Anonymous said...

TheDawgDude, I don't think you understood my comment above.

I know why the college world hates us — I said we are obnoxious in the first line of the comment. But, to reiterate my point, Washington fans were doing the same damn thing in the '90s. If you guys were good right now, you would be hated on a national level, too. The fact you guys haven't been relevant in years, though, takes you out of the equation.

Yes, some of our jersey combos have been bad. But, the all-black wing jerseys we wore against you last year? Those were great.

Paul Allen donated a huge sum of money to UW — no doubt Microsoft, as most large American corporations, has had young laborers abroad.

So, one last time: Yes, we have flaws, but your points don't hold much weight as you guys were/are very similar to us.

TheDawgDude said...

Oregon has transcended the "good teams have obnoxious fans" rule. Even during USC's extended reign, they never reached duck-like levels of awfulness. Even when Oregon was terrible, nobody liked going to Autzen because of the large continent of idiocy down there.

And Paul Allen didn't donate huge sums of money specifically to the athletic department. Also, unlike Phil, Allen didn't refuse to donate to his alma mater when the school joined the Workers Rights Consortium ( And really, do you want to compare Paul Allen to Phil Knight when it comes to human rights abuse?

Clearly fanbases in the national spotlight will appear more obnoxious, but you seem like a reasonable guy that should be able to recognize the vast differences between UW and UO.

206SportsFan said...

"amongst the country?" Oregon's finest ...

Sarkisianity said...

Where the fuck is Jeff? This seems like his bread and butter.

Anonymous said...

I admit, the whole Workers Rights Consortium ordeal was suspect — our teachers question it in class all the time.

But, although we wouldn't be where we are today without his donations, most Pac-12 schools spend around the same amount of money on their football programs a year, making the whole donor argument kind of obsolete. I couldn't find a more relevant list, but on this list from 07-08, Washington actually spent more than Oregon:

And I see where you're coming from with the whole obnoxious argument — we have plenty of over-the-top fans — but you're never going to convince me it's not mutual, especially when you guys were on top in the '90s.

TheDawgDude said...

@Sarkisianity: I know, and DuxUpHoesDown as well. Hopefully he and Red won't show up on "1000 Ways to Die" soon...

Anonymous said...

Phil Knight loyal to his alumni, so what? You talk about benefiting from child labor? Your retarded ass better check to see the origin of your sneakers.... child labor, just like the mail order bride you have in the basement of your moms house. Over half the shit in your basement is from low paying and child filled industries so don't come preaching like you are high and mighty Dawg Dude. UW has a great school of academics, but you, no fucking way did your ass go to UW. Only school you went to was some eastern Washington JC. And no this college football thing isn't knew, been enjoying us kicking your ass on the regular basis since Wheaton took the rock to the house! And for the haters who bitch about being anonymous, eat a dick, your Ilikedogdick#69 is same shit as not having a name. Can't wait till 7:15 to roll up north and kick the living shit out of you, listen to you bitch about our fans, our unis, our relationship with Nike, and how we cheat. Go Ducks!

Phil Knight's Dirty Brown Cock said...

Hey Fucktard-
Do you really have any idea of the impact of NIKE and its child/forced labor practices? Of course not you shit brain. All of the garbage that is made over seas is a result of people having to compete with Phil's ingenious idea of sending American jobs abroad to make it seem like his sneakers/clothing are being sold for less (reality is he was making even more of a killing). He started the trend of fucking Americans out of jobs and he's killed several thousand little asian kids in the name of a few bucks. FUCK YOU PHIL KNIGHT AND YOU OTHER OREGON HOMOS. Also, Steve Prefontaine was/is an overrated jagwad that took steroids and drank cum by the pint before he pranced around the forest or whatever the fuck he did.

DuxUpHoesDown said...

Im; coming to sEatle right now to talegate on a party bus. Eyel be on the darkr side of the stadium.
Do you kown? were there is a Duck firendly bar to watch the game?
Iam not allowed to go to any Pac games for the reast of the year after Duck versus LSU. REd just had to go back down for a violation of hi s extraction. Hes back in jail. Fuck you're team and fuck Teaxis.
Jeff cant tpye becaause he is buzsy giving doubel hand jobs at 2 dollrs a pop. LOLZ

DuxUpHoesDown said...

Oh yes- anybody wnats to fight come find me. Im whering a jersey #69 iwth the word : TWENTY4SEVEN on the back. Gonna break some dogs beaks today LOLZ

DuxUpHoesDown said...

If I sea naybody with a Dog Doody shirt I will bich slap them with know warning.
Hey Sarky- ssmoke my cock.

Jason Sykes said...

The 'ucks are the Slytherin House of Pac-12 football...right down to Phil Knight as Lucius Malfoy. #EugeniansForVoldermort #GoDawgs!

Sarkisianity said...

@Dux, I'll be at the game. Come find me. I'll be wearing my "Dog Doody" shirt. Must be hard for you to be separated from your friend Red while he's incarcerated in Texas. Good thing he left his cock in your ass, otherwise we'd probably have to put you on suicide watch.

@Anonymous douchefucker, I almost believed you were just some troll trying to stir the pot until your grammar took a steep nosedive. That was when I realized you were actually a *uck and probably just had some 4th grader write the first part of your rant. Very clever of you. I should really thank you though, as I'd almost forgotten just how superior of a school we really are. What are you ranked? 130th or something? UW's #17 ranking (in the world) must hurt worse than shitting out diced habaneros.

DuxUpHoesDown said...

Im cuming write now Sark y were yoou at? and byethe way I'm REds' mentor aarsehole. Hoos down for teh pound? LOLXOXOZ

Anonymous said...

I just want to make this clear: Most of my comments on here are made by me — the anonymous that doesn't use the term "retarded ass."

Don't get myself and that dude mixed up. With that said, go ducks and let's get ready for what should be a great game.

upper left corner said...

Anyone who would write this doggie doo-doo and then woof about obnoxious Duck fans comes across as lacking a sense of irony or self-awareness.

The more you moan and howl, the more we know it is just killing you to get your furry behinds kicked year after year. You all were so filled with a sense of entitlement that the past decade and a half must have seemed like a living nightmare. I'm sure you will beat us eventually, in the mean-time, consider your suffering the payment of a karmic debt for your own arrogance.

TheDawgDude said...

@upper left corner: If what you say is true, then the karmic debt of Oregon fans will be unprecedented. The dreaded death penalty? No wins for 10 seasons? 100?

And buddy, I know this comments section can get pretty ugly, but phrases like "doggie doo-doo" are totally over the line. You don't know how deep you cut.

@DuxUpHoesDown: You're alive!

Jeff said...

Motherducking ball gurgling ass clowns. I'm going to get all zen here ... it doesn't matter if UW wins or not -- at least we're not oregon. You fuckwads could win 20 "natties" in a row, and you'd still be the cum-stained asshole of the conference. Keep holding up the "big O / vagina" thing, just so everyone knows that you're not us.

TheBiGDONG said...

Too all you Ferbie loving queef stains who love your Dawgs. Do yourself a favor and put your lips on the two barrel straw and take one last pull of oxygen and pull the trigger! To Phil Knights brown cock, you deadbeat loser, go rape some poor farm animal. Steve P. could crawl out of his grave and kick your ass in anything considered athletic. And your team is Phil Knights bitch! Not only can we mark it 8 in a row on you now, but your school wears our Swooooooossssshhhhhhh!!!!!! So keep crying about sweat shops, like you even fucking care as it is, you just use it to talk shit. So taste our sweaty duck nuts for 365 more days UW fans!!!!!!! Oh and that dimple on Coach Steves chin, that isn't genetic, its from our coach skull fucking him for 4 quarters tonight!!!!!! GO DUCKS!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sending that pile of a stadium down in a glory of flames!!!!! Go DUCKS! Don James bend over and take it!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, enjoy it trailer trash Duckies. You will always be the Paris Hilton of college football. All of daddy's money and nothing to show for it other than a scorching case of herpes.

TheDuckFan said...

Dude Just because you are a Huskie fan, dosent mean you can hate on Oregon, Ducks are better for the past 8 or 7 years, because we have pwned you for that long, thats ok, evan know the Huskies suck REALLY REALLY badly, means im not going to hate on them, now have a nice day, GO DUCKS! 2012 Rose bowl Champs!

TheDawgDude said...

Oh shit, is it the return of DuxUpHoesDown? The misspellings are there, but usually Dux's comments have some entertainment value, so maybe not. Oh and being a Husky fan absolutely means I can hate on Oregon. In fact, anyone can and most of the country does.

Anonymous said...

As always, and forever, you big purple helmet......and shaft... HUCK THE FUSKIES. Take it up on the field with your student athletes. This site is really about a guy who has no life other than college football and that is truly sad. Other O sports like golf, track and field, cross country, basketball etc... are exceptional as well. And where do you think your contributions and funding come from? Oh yeah, from ex NFL quarterbacks who had unremarkable careers and questionable educations. Keep up the fine blogging purple dog. QUACK QUACK

Anonymous said...

act of violence? If you are willing to slap me (sorry..."bitch slap") for wearing a funny T shirt, you may be willing to spit your fucking teeth out from a prone and unconscious position when I roundhouse your ass like Chuck Norris. FYI... you have got to be a spunk guzzler if you are so quick to drop the "bitch slap" line. It is tired....out of date... pussy at best. Come to the O bowl and try to throw that shit around....You will receive the customary Lagarett Blount single shot.
Know the difference between know and no? UW education maybe?

TheDawgDude said...

You do realize that you're talking to a fellow shitbird fan, yeah? Must be tough for you idiots to communicate.

TheDawgDude said...

Hahaha, what ex-NFL quarterbacks are donating to the ducks? Akili Smith and Joey Harrington? You are truly an idiot. Husky Nation will take great pleasure in placing it's "big purple shaft" directly into your O while you get double-teamed by the thick rod of NCAA sanctions. Congratulations sweetheart, you're the Lucky Pierre.

Justin Hilbert said...

Pretty easy to keep sucking the balls of the rest of the pac-12 like the Huskies have for YEARS NOW! Yeah, the Ducks have outlandish uniforms... and they run over your Huskies every year in their ugly uniforms with ease. better to have a flashy uniform and be a winner than have an average uniform and be a loser.

You can't argue with the fact that your team sucks.

Huck the Fuskies.
My name is Justin, by the way.

Justin Hilbert said...

@DUCKFAN... I'm a duck fan.. And I agree that the Huskies suck ass; they're horrible. Worst of all, they're purple....But your word confusion and spelling is killing me. I'm a tad embarrassed and hope that this is not a direct reflection on the current state of Oregon education.

Quinn said...

Not all Duck fans are douche bags. True i have meet some but not all are. I'm a Duck fan but I'm not a dick fan. There are mean for every team but there are also nice fans for every team.

Irv said...

Damn it sucks to be irrelevant, eh UW?

Oli said...

There are bad fans everywhere you go. I got spit on by a UW fan once (that happened to be a grown man) when I was a little kid. Regardless of what team someone is a fan of, I won't stand by to watch a Duck fan physically do something to the opposing teams fans. We all have something in common no matter how much we hate the other team... our love for football.

Anonymous said...'re ALL pathetic pieces of shit! GO BEAVERS!!!

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