Oct 7, 2008

How do we know Mike Stoops is a Husky fan?

He wants Ty to get away from him too.

When did the S&P 500 become the mascot for the Washington football program? I would like to say that we've reached rock bottom, but it looks like the pain will be strung out for seven more games.

The most winnable has to be against Wazzu in Pullman. They are holding open tryouts for quarterback for christ sake and are rumored to be favoring this guy:

He owes Wazzu after eating Gary Rogers and Kevin Lopina in a giant Cougar Suckwich.

Our second most winnable game, against Notre Dame on Oct. 25th, looks like another loss as the Creepy Leprechauns moved to 4-1 with a win over Stanford last Saturday.

The potential for a 1-11 or, good Christ no, a 0-12 season is very real. UW's best bet is to catch a team sleeping and punch them right in the mouth, which could potentially be next Saturday's game against Oregon St. or maybe an Arizona St. team that looks like its unraveling under the drunk stewardship of Dennis Erickson.

No matter what, it's going to be a tough haul and Husky fans are just going to have to hang in there (or cry in the shower - you know, whatever you do to cope) until Tyrone is ejected from campus and the courtship of Mizzou's Gary Pinkel, Boise St.'s Chris Peterson, or Bronco "The Mormon Monster" Mendenhall can officially begin (my less official "Pennies for Pinkel" panhandling campaign has already been launched).

But at least Willingham has been exposed for what we have known for years: he's simply not a good football coach and will not return Washington to its former greatness. Let's hope President Emmert and AD Woodward pick one who will.

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Sep 15, 2008


55-14 final. 34-0 at halftime. 48-7 at the start of the 4th. The only positive was that the Sooners didn't break the Husky Stadium record for points scored by an opponent (Ty already set that record - giving up 56 to Cal in '05).

But they probably could have scored 100 if they wanted to.

Don't get me wrong: I hate all things Oklahoma more than Sarah Palin hates not firing people for pissing her off, but you had to come away impressed by OU's performance on Saturday.

Except for that pre-game tunnel incident - what the hell was that? You stole our pro b-ball team, you have a much more successful college football program, and you're pissed at us? If I didn't know you were all Oxycontin-pounding, window-licking tubbies, I'd be really confused right now.

Anyway, my rally calls last week for this:

Sooner tears taste like friend pork skin and ignorance. Mmm...

Turned out more like this:

Is that a throatee? Man, guys with experimental facial hair and head wagons get all the bitches.

We may have lost our pride, dignity, and 113th defensive ranking, but at least we still have our beloved stereotypes:

Upset that he can't eat the moon.
Great looking moo moo though.

Up next is Stanford in two weeks. If Ty loses to The Tree, he might as well pack up his stoicism, comportment, and sweater vests before we banish him to Oklahoma - where I hear Panhandle St. University is looking for a ropes course instructor.

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Sep 12, 2008

Okla-fucking-homa. Again.

While I can't imagine anything better than beating the Sooners and wiping that gravy-smeared grin off the state of Oklahoma's face, this really isn't the fight we want right now.

Oklahoma is ranked #3 in the country, has a bigger, stronger, faster, better-coached football team, and is favored to win by 20.

Well, I say fuck that - We can beat these people:

I know, I know - their fans are adorable. Until you realize that cup is full of crystal meth. 'Tis the season!

In what is truly the Darkest Hour in Seattle sports history, an upset win over the Okies would inject a much needed shot of Cortisone into the buttock of the Western Washington sports devotee. The combination of the Mariners' epic failure, the Huskies' ongoing inability to climb out of the Pac-10 cellar, the Seahawks' snapping more bones than the pilgrims, and the Sonics leaving town (Where did they go again? The 8th fattest city in the country? Weird, I thought they were fatter) all add up to an unprecedented level of depression for the local sports supporter.

Making Sooner fans cry into their bowls of lard-slathered butter sticks wouldn't cure this ailment, but it would be one hell of a start.

Sooner fans are growing at a unprecedented rate. This new supporter is being held by her 24 year-old grandmother. (Ah, the old, trusty pre-teen redneck sex joke - never lets you down.)

For the Huskies to win this game, they'll have to play their best four quarters since beating #4 Miami in Husky Stadium back in 2000. It may be hard to believe in a Washington victory, but crazier things have happened...

Like these people getting away with stealing the Sonics:

And yes, their sex is great. Thanks for asking.
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Sep 6, 2008

Larry Farina: Douchebag of the Year

The UW-BYU contest failed to be about the teams as head referee Larry Farina botched a game-deciding unsportsmanlike conduct call and made himself the story of the game.

The "penalty" occurred after Jake Locker scrambled 3 yards for a score with 2 seconds remaining which capped an epic 17-play drive and appeared to push the game into overtime.

After Locker lunged across the goal line he tossed the ball into the air and began jumping while embracing his teammates. Farina then threw a flag for "unsportsmanlike conduct", the Huskies were forced to kick a 35-yard field goal, which was blocked, and the players, coaches, and fans were all robbed of a legitimate, overtime finish to the contest.

Hey Larry, where was the penalty after an earlier BYU touchdown when the receiver threw the ball between his legs after the score? And a 5-yard "excessive celebration" penalty wasn't enough on this one? You had to go with the "unsportsmanlike conduct" call as Locker was obviously trying to antagonize BYU? History has shown that Jake is a major showboat so I'm glad you taught him a lesson. Isn't there an MTV Rock 'n Jock flag football game you can go ref? We don't need this shit in the Pac-10.

Fox Sports Northwest commentators Barry Tompkins and Petros Papadakis were stunned by the call and strongly criticized the referees. Off the record, Papadakis said, "it was the worst call I've seen in my life."

It should be said that the referees weren't the only party at fault for this loss. The defense gave up 475 yards and allowed the Cougars to convert 12 of 14 third down plays.

The 28-27 loss is just another blow to Husky fans who are becoming accustomed to miserably depressing Saturdays. And #4 Oklahoma is rolling in here next week. Maybe Clay Bennett can ref that one.
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Sep 5, 2008

Here Come the Cougars!

Watch out! The "Mormons on a Mission" are rolling into Seattle with only one thought on their collective mind - and it's not beer, women, tobacco, caffeine, self-pleasure, or freedom of choice - it's beating the Huskies.

The Cougars are coming off an impressive 11-2 season capped by a win over UCLA in the Las Vegas Bowl (boy, I bet the BYU players had fun there...). Brigham Young is currently ranked 15th in the country and possess a very dangerous offense led by former Arizona St. quarterback, Max Hall. Last week, the junior threw for 486 yards and 2 touchdowns and hit over 80% of his passes, although he failed to hit this after the game:

UW's young defense is going to struggle to keep BYU out of the endzone which will force Locker and the Husky offense to put up a lot of points to stay in the game. UW's offensive line should have a more favorable matchup against the Cougar defensive line than it had last Saturday against Oregon's. Hopefully, the OL will be able to open up running lanes and we'll get to see what much hyped running back Chris Polk can do in some space.

BYU's offense isn't the only diverse thing about the school.

Oh my bad, it is.

Most pundits are picking a close, high-scoring game with the Cougars coming out on top. UW wants this game badly as a) it's the home opener and b) Willingham's job security is falling faster than a fat kid off a diving board and presumably, he will coach with a little more fire than usual to keep his 1.47 mil salary checks coming in. However, BYU also wants this game as the team (and quite a few analysts) believes they can be the non-BCS team to go undefeated and play in a BCS bowl this year, and a Pac-10 road game is a major obstacle on the path to that goal.

I expect this contest to be much closer than last week, but I don't know if Washington has the experience and coaching ability to grind out a victory. We may not agree on a prediction for the game, but I'm sure we can all agree on this, do not fuck with these motherfuckers:

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Aug 31, 2008

Duck Slapped. Hard.


UW got dominated in every facet of the game as Oregon stormed to a 44-10 blowout.

Locker was 12/28 and barely threw for over 100 yards. The much-hyped offensive line paved the way for 95 rushing yards. Subtract Locker, and the Huskies ran for 38 yards on 27 carries (1.4 ypc). The defense gave up nearly 500 yards and 44 points - much of the time with Oregon's 2nd and 3rd string QBs on the field.

Not the way to start the season.

"This is my upset face."

Oh, and Oregon has now won 5 in a row against UW - which has never happened in the 102-history of the rivalry. Ain't that a bitch.

This was one more nail in the Tyrone's coffin. The team looked unprepared from the opening kickoff and once again, the coaching staff failed to make halftime adjustments that put the players in a position to win. Adding the Ducks' 23-0 fourth quarter advantage in this contest, Washington has now been outscored 50-3 in the fourth quarter in the last three games versus Oregon. Not a ringing endorsement for Willingham's gameday coaching ability.

Whoever peed on Oregon's shoes should stay more hydrated - that color looks like me the morning after a night of crushing MD 20/20s.

Obviously UW's youth was exposed in the hostile environment of Autzen Stadium. Highly touted RB Chris Polk was limited to 19 yards on 14 carries and appeared to run smack into the middle of the Duck defensive line on every carry. Supposedly this was due to Polk having a limited grasp of the playbook, which begs the question, was he really the best RB to put out there if all he could do was right straight up the middle against an impressive defensive line?

Hey look, Ducks are as douchebaggy in the air as they are on land!

Finding positives in this game is about as hard as finding reasons why a UW fan should feel confident with Willingham as the head coach, but for the sake of not feeling woefully depressed about the loss (that was last night), I'll try anyway:

Kavario Middleton made some nice plays on his way to four catches and 35 yards. He showed the potential to develop into a major tight end target for Locker.

QB Ronnie Fouch looked like a capable backup in going 5/7 for 44 yards - albeit after Oregon had cooled their "thunder green and lightning yellow" jets (are you fucking kidding me? "Thunder Green"? Isn't that a Powerade flavor?).

And finally, it's a stretch, but UW won the penalty war with 4 for 44 yards versus Oregon's 8 for 85...so we can hang our hats on that as we go into next week's game against BYU. Thanks, Tyrone.

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Jul 19, 2008

2008 Season Preview

Basically the Huskies must go to a bowl game for head coach Tyrone Willingham to keep his job.

Reasons To Be Optimistic About the 2008 Season

1) Jake Locker is Back and More Experienced

Though there is no contact, Locker's numbers in the Spring Game (13/17 for 159 yards and a TD) show an improvement in passing accuracy - an area he struggled with (47% completion percentage) last year. He also played a little baseball over the summer which hopefully will have a Dennis Dixon-like effect on his quarterbacking.

Jake managed to hit a 600-foot home run while being intentionally walked. With the bat ring on. On one leg. While on fire.

2) New Assistants

Kent "What am I doing in football?" Baer was finally kicked to the curb and replaced with former NFL defensive coordinator Ed Donatell. Hopefully Donatell can lead the defense to a nice rebound from the program's worst ever defensive performance last year.

Coaching retread, Bob Simmons, was also let go after another disappointing season of bad special teams and tight end play. His replacement is former Syracuse offensive coordinator, Brian White. Yes, White was fired last year after Syracuse's offense struggled, but he has been earning solid reviews for his work with the Huskies so far.

Another intriguing hire is former Skyline High School head coach Steve Gervais. With 31 years of high school head coaching experience, Gervais is an offensive specialist who should add some spice to the playbook. Gervais has won six Washington State high school championships including a thrilling 42-35 win against O'Dea in the 3A title game last year.

If Steve is anything like his cousin, Ricky Gervais, UW fans should be thrilled with this hire.

Oh, and I made that up.

3) More Talent

While it is debatable that the '08 team will have more talent than the '07 team, I would make this argument. Losing RB Louis Rankin, WRs Anthony Russo and Marcel Reese, CB Roy Lewis, and four members of the defensive line (Greyson Gunheim, Wilson Afoa, Jordan Reffett, and Caesar Rayford) hurts, however the overall talent level and particularly the depth of talent is greater.

For example, the secondary struggled mightily last season and it appears the unit might be completely redone for the upcoming season. Nate Williams and Victor Aiyewa had breakout springs and are poised to become the new starting safeties (though a recent injury to Aiyewa has Darin Harris looking like the starter against Oregon) pushing former safety Mesphin Forrester to cornerback alongside fellow former safety Quinton Richardson. Forrester and Richardson are both listed at 205 pounds making them the two biggest cornerbacks on the team. The Huskies lack of size in the secondary hurt them last year, so it's possible that even with the loss of Roy Lewis, the secondary unit could be much improved.

On the other side of the ball, UW lost their five most productive wide receivers last year, however the '08 team has more speed at this position in quite a few years. D'Andre Goodwin, Alvin Logan figure to be starters and all possess great speed. Freshman Devin Aguilar, Jermaine Kearse, Jordan Polk, and
Anthony Boyles also could see time.

The running back position also has some depth (albeit youthful) and is headlined by Chris Polk, who is earning rave reviews and will be the starter against Oregon. Polk is a true freshman who turned down an offer from USC, graduated early to come to Seattle for spring practice, and has been drawing comparisons to a young Reggie Bush (minus the banging Kim Kardashian part).

Sophomore Brandon Johnson (who rushed for over 100 yards against Cal last year) will also see significant time along with another true freshman, 5'7 speedster David Freeman.

4) Juan Garcia May See Significant Time

The prospects of the '08 season took a serious hit when Juan Garcia suffered a Lisfranc foot injury during a scrimmage on April 18th. However, he elected not to have surgery which would have ended his Husky career and instead let his foot heal on its own. After only four months, Garcia has made a remarkable recovery and will play significantly in the opener in Eugene.

Garcia, who has battled through more injuries than Evil Knievel, was granted a sixth year of eligibility after he missed the entire 2004 and 2005 seasons with a broken fibula, a dislocated ankle, and a shoulder injury. Garcia graduated last year and could have gone pro, but chose to play another season with the Huskies.

Juan Garcia eats a heaping portion of Lisfranc injuries for breakfast. Without a napkin.

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Jun 25, 2008

2007 Season Recap


Even with the nation's most difficult schedule, the '07 season has to be considered a major failure. After opening the season with two victories and hanging with Ohio St. for a half, it looked like UW had finally turned the corner and would begin the march to consistent top 3 (or at least upper half) Pac-10 finishes...

But then the wheels fell off the Mazda RX-7 with six straight losses including the defense allowing a school-record 465 rushing yards one week and a school-record 510 passing yards the next...which is equivalent to your mother boning your best friend one weekend and shooting your dog the next.

The six-game losing streak is becoming all the rage around Montlake as '07 marked the fourth season in a row that this dubious accomplishment has been achieved. The last three of those seasons have been under the "guidance" of Tyrone Willingham who somehow kept his job despite a career 11-25 win/loss record with the Huskies. Willingham has led Washington to 10th, 9th, and 10th place finishes in the Pac-10 and strapped firmly to the chopping block heading into the '08 season. UW paid Ty $367,500 per win last year which is one of many reasons why a number of college football pundits believe Ty could be the first head coach to be axed next year.

Yea Tyrone, we're pissed off too. But trying to win games with terrible gameday coaching, blind loyalty to inept assistants, and sideline Taebo isn't helping.

Willingham's greatest success at Washington has been polarizing the fan base - so much so that many fans didn't know if a win against Hawaii in the final game of the season would have helped or hurt the program. Watching that game was the most disheartened I've ever felt as a Husky fan. Many expected a loss to Hawaii would lead to Ty being fired and an exciting new coach being brought in - potentially ex-Atlanta Falcons head coach and current Seahawks assistant, Jim Mora Jr. While I could never root for the Huskies to lose, dropping that game to Hawaii and putting in a new coaching staff with a much greater chance for future success was akin to chopping off the pinky to save the arm. But instead, the arm was chopped off and used to beat the face as UW got up 28-7, let Hawaii score the final 28 points, and Willingham kept his job. Harrumph.

At least Ty finally cut the cord to his most woefully pathetic assistant. Defensive Coordinator/Incompetence Record-Breaker Kent Baer was canned after finishing the season leading a defense that allowed 446.4 yards per game – the worst ever in the history of Husky Football.

Many fans were asking for Baer's head after the debacle against Hawaii where Colt Brennan torched the Husky defense for 442 yards and 5 TDs. So was I. Literally. I thought we should go the Vlad the Impaler route and jam his head on a spear in front of Husky Stadium to serve as a warning to all future defensive coordinators who may have the audacity to rewrite every defensive record for ineptitude. But I’m told simply firing him was “less barbaric”. Whatever. This is cutthroat college football and I take that cutthroat part very seriously (hide your kitchen knives, Tyrone).

Baer's neck resigned after the loss to Oregon, stating it had no interest "being connected to this disgrace of a failed defensive coordinator." And yes, his neck can talk.

Baer has been replaced by former Packers and Falcons defensive coordinator, Ed Donatell. It’s an exciting hire as Donatell had success with both NFL teams and was a finalist for an NFL head coaching job (with the Cleveland Browns who ultimately hired Romeo Crennel) as recently as 2005.

So hopefully Donatell can improve the defense enough to keep the team in more games next season….or at least keep the opposing team’s offensive stats from looking like a goddamn video game (Brennan: 42/50 442 yards, 5 TDs and no INTs…are you fucking serious? The defenses in the Lingerie Bowl could have yielded those numbers.)

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